He’s back. Back in my inbox, that is. Back from the tidy storage container I’d packed all of the hurt feelings, joining the hundreds of texts and emails I’ve never been able to erase. I let this happen. Moving a thousand miles away simply gave me the courage to crack the door open. It started with a simple text.
Merry Christmas, I typed, hoping to pass it off as an errant group holiday text. You too, he replied. Thanks for the message.

Empowered by the prompt response—thanks, airport Chardonnay!—I shared that I had left Chicago, intent being: Don’t worry: I’m not trying to get back together. More pleasantries were exchanged, no desperations were revealed, and back to radio silence we went. Until this arrived few days later. Happy New Year! You too, I wrote back. Have a beer boot for me in Munich. Will do!

We continued in this fashion and it was all so amusing, this Talking About the Weather Among Exes. A month or so later he wished me Happy Birthday, I asked about his family. Safe. Safe. Safe. Exclamation points, emoji, it’s all so easy to pretend how carefree feelings have become. It felt nice. At least we weren’t nothing anymore. Mission accomplished.

Letting go is never easy. Romantic or otherwise, I want the people I connect with to always remain in my life. I hate saying goodbye. I want to be remembered. I want…to matter. And while you can’t ever know the impression you leave with another person, it feels good that they thought enough of you to stay in touch. These are such strange times for me. As thrilled as I was to move on in geography and career, I couldn’t prepare for the loneliness that comes calling when you lose your everyday routines. I’ve taken to wandering the isles of grocery stores, driving aimlessly, reading too much chick lit. Weekends are crammed with activity, like a prisoner storing up on affection before heading back to solitary.

To be fair, I am protective of my loneliness. Much better to be lonely with a book than hanging for the sake of hanging. I go to the gym, I drive around. It’s not so bad.
Musical inspiration today by Anthony Rapp.